Intervention (part one)

I had stopped praying, but Lynetta hadn’t.

Lynetta and my adult children knew that my situation was desperate and out of control. But, they had no idea why.

Andrea had been through suicide prevention training at her school. She told me that I could be their poster child. Lynetta, Kari, and Andrea all sat me down and tried to talk to me. They tried to help me, but I wasn’t listening. By that time I was not capable of listening.

I wasn’t so much lying to them, as I was lying to myself. I knew that I was using alcohol and drugs, but it wasn’t that much. It was just temporary. It was just enough to cope with and survive my current psychological dilemma. If I ever found the right combination I would be just fine.

(The old guys at AA and NA always laugh at this part and say, “Denial is not a river in Egypt idiot.”)

One night, I just got up off the couch, got into my truck, and drove away. This was way out of character for me. I have been married for 34 years. I have never even considered it before. I had no idea where to go. I drove around crying, wondering what it would feel like to just drive into a tree.

My phone was ringing. I wouldn’t answer it.

Somehow I found myself at church. I had the keys and I knew how to cancel the alarm. I remember going into the auditorium and lying down in the back row of seats. This was my church. This church was a very familiar place for me. I had spent an untold amount of time here. Over the years I had poured much of my heart, soul and strength into this place, but now it just felt cold, dark, and empty.

I knew many people who had found healing and understanding in this place. I had seen God work in powerful ways in this place. But he wasn’t there that night. I tried to pray, but the chairs weren’t listening.

My phone was still ringing. I finally answered it. It of course was my very frightened wife. She thought I wasn’t answering because I had finally found the courage and the right tree.

I couldn’t stand the pain in her voice, so I went home.