Addiction is a very hard monster to explain and understand. Most medical experts describe it as, or liken it to, an allergy. (Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book Page xxvi)
For example: If a wasp or a bee happens to sting my Daughter Jesi, she breaks out, swells all up, and starts to itch. So far, (thank the Lord) the stings have not affected her respiratory function. But the doctors say that repeated exposure could over time lead to serious respiratory reactions.
If a wasp or a bee stings me however, it really does nothing except piss me off. Different people react differently to the same things.
Jesi tries her best to avoid wasps and bees. Me on the other hand, and thousands more just like me, are oddly and compulsively drawn to the very thing that is trying to kill us.
Addiction is also described as a Spiritual malady – a Spiritual disease. (Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book Page 64) I think that this is one is a little closer to the truth.
Spiritually speaking, there is a monster that lives inside of me. It has been with me for as long as I can remember. When I was younger it tempted me and tested me. I failed miserably. But, for reasons that I have never quite understood, God choose to spare me from most of the consequences. In other words, I got away with it - a lot.
When I was about 30 years old God did something remarkable and unexpected, something that I could never have done for myself. He locked the monster away. He kept it locked up in a dark quiet room down deep in my soul for about 20 years. Over those years I had forgotten that the monster even existed. But he was still there – always there - waiting.
About two years ago God, thinking that it was time for me to finally grow up and get my head and my butt out of the sand, simply and quietly turned the key and unlocked the door of that dark room - then he walked away.
The monster didn't bust out all at once. He could now come and go at will. He only came out a little at first - then a little more. Over time he grew bolder and more aggressive.
It didn't take long to realize the real intentions of this old monster of mine. His job was simple - to kill me. He almost succeeded.
My heart knows but my head says are you sure??
10 years ago
